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Big Brother might have said 'it's the place to go,' but who'll be the one who goes first???
:baa:
BIG BROTHER 3
‘Okay!’ shouts Divina, ‘Here are this year’s Big Brother contestants!’
The crowd eagerly anticipate, it’s what they’ve waited for for the last year or more.
‘Right…’ A snare drum rolls, paradiddling to the pandemonium. Divina’s about to piss herself. ‘…the moment you’ve all been waiting for…. And here they are!!!! The Big Brother contestants are… Hugh from Belsize Park North London… Dave from Brighton in Sussex… Jean Jacques from Guildford, Surrey… Brian from Ilford, Essex …. John from Paradise Row, Leytonstone …Paul from the river bank, West London and Baz from Ooop North East-like !!!!
A fanfare unfolds as the crowd foams and froths into a frenzy of who’s gonna get the boot first out of the Big Brother house.…?
Who will it be?
It’s your turn to vote now!
Who’s out of Big brother’s door first?
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StanInBlack
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Well it certainly won't be JJ! hehehehe...
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Dom P
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I dunno. Can you imagine Hugh cleaning out the chicken shed?
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WHOEVER GETS TO THE BB FINAL HAS A CHANCE TO GET AN 'UNDER THE COVERS' WANK AND A SNOG OFF THAT WELSH TART HELEN IF THEY'RE LUCKY. (EURGH!) ALTHOUGH REACHING THE FINALS SHOULDN'T UNDULY CONCERN MESSRS ROBERTS AND ELLIS.
SORRY PAUL, I'LL VOTE YOU OUT NOW TO SAVE YOU THE SLAGGINGS! :)
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StanInBlack
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I reckon either JJ or Dave is going to win!
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Alex
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I think there'll be some good house-mate arguments:
Jet's food intake
Someone'll hide Dave's bag
Only 1 acoustic guitar between them
Baz tells Hugh how to play the Golden Brown solo
Paul cheeks Dave 1 too many times (and it was probably him who hid his bag)
What would their house exit songs be?
JJ- Never to look back or Kung-fu Fighting?
:D
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StanInBlack
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And imagine the interesting bedroom brawl that would erupt from discussion which is better... 10 or Coup De Grace :D
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Posted: May 18 2002,13:16
Only 1 acoustic guitar between them
BIG BROTHER ASKS THE NEW HOUSEMATES TO PICK UP THE ONE ACOUSTIC GUITAR AND TAKE IT IN TURNS TO PLAY A STRANGLERS SONG.
'THE ONE WHO CAN'T PLAY IT GETS VOTED OUT'
SOUNDS LIKE PAUL DOESN'T IT? NEVER SEEN HIM WITH A GUITAR ON.
(PS. I'VE SEEN A PIC OF JET WITH A GUITAR ROUND HIS NECK, SO THERE). SO JET STAYS, AND PAUL'S WALKING OUT THE DOOR TO THE TRACK :D IN HEAVEN SHE WALKS :D
TADAAH! WE'RE DOWN TO 6.
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StanInBlack
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What's the next challenge? The drink 10 pints of lager and see who can make beans on toast most successfully competition?
:D
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DannyL
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That's John Ellis out then...
I reckon he'd be out next anyway. He'd piss 'em all off with his droning on about modern art and revolutionary Soviet montage film directors, and would spend his time in his bedroom reading Nietchze.
Mind you, I reckon Hugh and JJ would keep nominating each other every week, so it could be one of those.
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StanInBlack
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It's a good thing the big brother house doesn't have a stereo, just imagine the fights!
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| DannyL wrote: | That's John Ellis out then...
I reckon he'd be out next anyway. He'd piss 'em all off with his droning on about modern art and revolutionary Soviet montage film directors, and would spend his time in his bedroom reading Nietchze. |
THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME - ANY OBJECTIONS TO THE EJECTION OF THE ELLIS CHAP????
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Barry Spooner
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I hereby start the 'KEEP JOHN ELLIS IN THE FICTIONAL BIG BROTHER HOUSE CAMPAIGN..(hic!)..
..Well someone had to 4 chrissakes!!
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Alex
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| iMcrassKGB wrote: | | ANY OBJECTIONS TO THE EJECTION OF THE ELLIS CHAP???? |
None at all from me. EVICT EVICT EVICT. I'm getting into this a little bit too much! :sarky:
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SORRY BARRY - YOU'RE ON THE LOSING SIDE.
MIND YOU IN HIS FAVOUR... AFTER ALL THE RECENT PUNK SPECIALS (NME + Q) AND ALL THE MENTION OF HUGH + JJ, SUDDENLY IN TODAY'S Q THERE WAS A WHAT HAPPENED TO THE VIBRATORS? THING. TURNS OUT THAT JJ HELPED HIM OUT TWICE, FIRST GETTING HIM INTO THE EUROBAND AFTER THE VIBRATORS, WHEREUPON HE JOINED P.GABRIEL TO THEN QUIT MUSIC FOR GOOD IN 1988 TO BECOME A MINICAB DRIVER + THEN RECEIVING A PHONE CALL FROM JJ IN 1990 TO JOIN THE STRUGGLERS. FORGOT ABOUT ALL THAT FOR A BIT.
I STILL VOTE HIM OUT. PAUL'S ALREADY GONE + JJ WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR RECRUITING BOTH OF THEM.
PERHAPS JJ IS NEXT...
TUNE IN LATER
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:tosser:
BIG BROOOTHER REQUESTS THA' JOHN ELLIS SHOULD BE EVICT'D FROM THE BIG BROOOTHER HOOSE NOOOO.
G'NIGHT, JOHN-BOY! :D
...... :0 .......JOHN'S GONE
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Alex
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and there he goes, scurrying up the metal walkway with his shopping basket on wheels suitcase thing. :D
Into the arms of the lovely Davina, stopping only to grit his teeth at the press.Davina then tells him about the new fashion craze he's unwittingly started; old, faded, baggy, black(fading to grey) jogging bottoms.
"You're a star" she says. "The crowd love you"
The camera sweeps over the crowd, picking out Mr Spooner holding his "KEEP J.E. IN" placard.
Davina then dons that dress she had on at the Brits, grabs her riding crop and tells me I've "been a very naughty boy"............. ah......sorry, that was some other thing that.....er.....my mate told me :D
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Barry Spooner
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The camera sweeps over the crowd, picking out Mr Spooner holding his "KEEP J.E. IN" placard.
FAME AT LAST!!!!
I knew I was a contender!
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Alex
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Hehe.
It's Big Bro night th'neet so it's time for a new challenge for our hapless heroes methinks.
We've got 5 Stranglers left:
Each Strangler gets designated a style of music, when that particular music is played over the BB house system the corresponding Strangler must run out to the podium and shake his funky stuff.
So lads, 5 Stranglers and 5 styles please. :D
C'mon Crass help us out
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DannyL
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Hugh must breakdance to hip-hop...
Baz must do the riverdance...
JJ must do the macarena...
Dave must disco around his bag to Donna Summer...
Jet must do some latino belly dancing.
Methink's Jet will slip a disc, and therefore be out next.
:baa:
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| Quote: | Hugh must breakdance to hip-hop...
Baz must do the riverdance...
JJ must do the macarena...
Dave must disco around his bag to Donna Summer...
Jet must do some latino belly dancing.
Methink's Jet will slip a disc, and therefore be out next.
:baa: |
I CAN SEE IT NOW AS THE WELL BUILT + BURLY BAZ STARTS OFF REALLY WELL, WITH HIS LITTLE LEGS WIZZING ABOUT IN A MIND-BOGGLING WHIRR!!! HE'S REALLY GETTING INTO IT
"...SEE - I'M NOO OOOL' FOKKIN' CODGER YER FOOKIN' BUSTUDS!"
BUT HE'S NO MICHAEL FLATLEY EITHER, AND ALL THAT HOPPING ABOUT + KNEE TWISTING IS STARTING TO TAKE IT'S TOLL. THE SWEAT BEGINS TO ROLL DOWN HIS HEAD AND INTO HIS EYES, STINGING AND SMARTING. HE SHOUTS OUT SOME MORE NORTHEASTERN VERNACULAR BUT BY THIS TIME HE'S A RAMBLING INCOHERANT HEAPINBLACK. HE'S GRITTING HIS TEETH, TRYING TO KEEP UP WITH ALL THE SHENANIGANS AS VEINS ARE BULGING OUT OF HIS NECK, ABOUT TO BURST AND HIS KNUCKLES TURN WHITE WITH PERIPHERAL SHUTDOWN. HE'S RUNNING OUT OF STAMINA, HIS HEAD STARTS TO DROP - HE GLANCES DOWN AND SUDDENLY HE FINDS HIS LEGS ENTWINED AROUND AN OLD "KEEP J.E. IN THE HOUSE" PLACARD AND FALLS TO THE FLOOR, CRACKING THE PAVING WITH HIS BALDY MARBLE HEAD.
COULD THIS BE THE NEXT CASUALTY IN THE BB HOOOSE?
???
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BAZ HAS FALLEN AT THE LAST HURDLE….SO WHO’S GONNA TANGO IN PARIS? WHO’S GONNA WALTZ IN BLACK? WHO’S GONNA CIRCUMSTANCE?
JET LIMBERS UP, ABOUT TO BEGINE THE BEGUINE AND START HIS BELLY DANCING, BUT BACKS OUT WITH A BAD BACK RIGHT AT THE CRUCIAL MOMENT. “ACTUALLY - I COULD SING ‘IF’ BY TELLY SAVALAS IF YOU WANT – WHO LOVES YA BABY, AND ALL THAT!” “ANYONE GOT A LOLLIPOP?”
HUGH’S TURN TO DO HIS TURN, SO HE STICKS A BACK TO FRONT BASEBALL CAP ON HIS BONCE AND PREPARES TO BREAKDANCE, 80’s STYLE. BUT WHAT’S ON THE TAPE DECK, DJ? ROCKSTEADY CREW? GRANDMASTER FLASH & THE FURIOUS FIVE? JONZUN CREW? MAN PARRISH – HIP HOP BE BOP DON’T STOP?
‘NAAH – THOUGHT I’D PUT ON ONE OF ME OLD TAPES – ‘WOLF’ WILL DO, REALLY 80’s TRASH! – LOVE IT!’ BUT HUGH’S BACK IS AS BAD AS JET’S AND AFTER JUST A SECOND OF TAPE INTRO – HUGH ALSO BACKS OUT.
DAVE HIRES THE JUKEBOX FROM HIS OWN BOOZER, PAYING FOR IT TO BE CABBED DOWN TO THE BB HOOOSE FROM THE CONTENTS OF THE CHARITY BOX ON THE BAR. “DONNA SUMMER TRACK? – NO CHANCE!” HE GOES UP TO THE JUKEBOX AND STICKS IN HIS QUID, AVOIDING THE FREE-VEND MODE THAT HE’D NORMALLY OPT FOR. WITH A QUIET CONFIDENCE, HE TAPS OUT HIS SELECTION…
<12A: SUMMER IN THE CITY – THE STRANGLERS>
“ I LOVE THIS ONE – GREAT KEYBOARDS IN IT”. THE MUSIC STARTS. A BIG BLACK CARLTON LEATHER-EFFECT HANDBAG WITH THE ZIPPY SIDE POCKET OPTION, FULL OF COMPUTER GAMES + PUZZLE BOOKS IS PLACED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FLOOR + DAVE PRECEEDS TO WIGGLE AROUND IT, FLAILING HIS ARMS OCCASIONALLY IN THE AIR LIKE HE JUST DON’T CARE. TOTALLY UNCOORDINATED RHYTHMS MIXED WITH INVOLUNTARY MUSCLE MOVEMENT, AND DAVE LOOKS LIKE AN EPILEPTIC ON MOGADON. “HOT TOWN SUMMER IN THE CITY BACK OF MY NECK GETTING DIRTY AND GRITTY….” DAVE LOOKS LIKE A MAD UNCLE DANCING AT A FAMILY DO. DREADFUL.
LAST UP – JJ. FOR THIS HE BORROWS A BLACK TUTU FROM BB PROPMASTER AND PLUGS INTO HIS MORE FEMININE SIDE. STILL WEARING HIS TRUSTY DMs + TRIUMPH TOP, JJ TRIUMPHANTLY TURNS ON THE STYLE AND DANCES MAJESTICALLY TO THE TUNE OF ‘MACARENA’. A TOTAL SUCCESS. JJ. OLD SNAKE HIPS. OLD TWINKLE TOES. IT'S LIKE SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER ALL OVER AGAIN. HE IS A MAN OF MANY TALENTS. A SURE FIRE WINNER IN THIS CHALLENGE.
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THE SITUATION SO FAR-
1st JJ
2nd= DAVE
BAZ
HUGH
JET
:(
PERHAPS WE SHOULD SET ONE MORE CHALLENGE TO SEPARATE THE 2nd= MOB...?
ANY IDEAS? HOW BOUT A ROW?
:fight: :fight: :fight: :fight: :fight: :fight:
OUTSIDE!
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Alex
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| iMcrassKGB wrote: | | MONKEY TENNIS? |
A Partridge among the pigeons? :D
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Alex
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Nomination time then.
Gentlemen please choose your strangler. Who's gonna be next to leave the BB house.
Will it be:
Baz the plucky new boy?, he tried his best but failed in hilarious style.
or
Big Jet the grandmaster of ceremonies?, he didn't even try.
or
Our old friend Hugh? his ridiculous backspin to Jools' solo in Dreaming Again fucked him up a bit and now he's wearing a neck brace.
or
Dave?!
or
Twinkletoes Burnel?Jean Travolta?JJ"Wayne Sleep"Burnel? he dresses up in girls clothes.
Who will it be? The phone lines are open.
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DannyL
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I nominate Jet - gotta keep the northerner in for the time being.
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| Quote: | THE SITUATION SO FAR-
1st JJ
2nd= DAVE
BAZ
HUGH
JET
:(
PERHAPS WE SHOULD SET ONE MORE BIG BROOOOTHER TASK TO SEPARATE THE 2nd= MOB...?
ANY IDEAS? HOW BOUT A ROW OUTSIDE?
:fight: :fight: :fight: :fight: :fight: :fight:
OUTSIDE NOW! |
:D
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Tracy
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I vote for Jet to leave the house
Tracy
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Tracy
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I vote for Jet to leave the house
its only 25p a minute to vote so I though I would vote twice
Tracy
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Alex
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Stop the press! :0
Looks like we're gonna lose our first original Strangler! Everyones (Grand)father figure, the band's heart,the guy who started it all in his off licence, big Bri.
The public are fickle!
:D
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LOOK JUST COZ YOU DON'T WANT ANOTHER <BRIAN> IN THE BIG BROTHER HOUSE DOESN'T MEAN JET HAS TO GO, DOES IT? I MEAN - HE'S THE GRANDMASTER OF THE SPURIOUS FIVE!!! HE'S THE DADDY!!! THE BIG FELLAH!!! ANOTHER CHALLENGE HAS BEEN SUGGESTED TO DIFFERENTIATE THE ONES WHO FAILED ON THE LAST BIG BROOOOTHA TASK.....
:baa:
SOMETHING THAT DOESN'T INVOLVE GARDENING, BEER MAKING :booze: ICE CREAM EATING, OR CARPENTRY :fight:
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Alex
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The public has voted unanimously for old Duffers though. One caller was so intent on evicting the old bearded pan whacker that they phoned in twice!!!!
On the other hand, as Winston Churchill once said: "Democracy dosen't work but nothing better has been invented yet" or something along those lines.
I put it to the forum. :teach:
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DannyL
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Jet has to go - at least Baz and Dave had a go at the last challenge, and Hugh has to stay (he and JJ are just beginning to get along).
Maybe he'll get a job on kids telly, or summat....
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| Quote: | | Jet has to go - and Hugh has to stay (he and JJ are just beginning to get along). |
 YOU OLD ROMANTIC FOOL, YOU! :D
.........AAAH
OK.
ANY DECENT OBJECTIONS TO THE EVICTION OF THE BLACKUS DE JETTUS? (SLACKBLADDER)
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WAIT A MINUTE......JET'S BEEN CALLED TO THE DIARY ROOM....
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DannyL
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And!?!?!?!?
I'm on fucking tenterhooks here......
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....AND...AND...? OH - BIG BROOOOTHA HAS REQUESTED THAT JET LEAVES A SIGNED PHOTO OF HIMSELF IN THE DIARY ROOM BEFORE HE LEAVES THE BUILDING.
JET HAS BEEN EVICTED FROM THE HOUSE. (I AM VERY ANNOYED- CrAsS :angry: )
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DannyL
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Nah, he'll be rubbing up against Cat Deeley every Saturday morning...if anything, he'll be grateful.
What next for the remaing four?
Latest odds...
JJ 6-1 fav
Hugh 10-1
Dave 18-1
Baz 40-1 outsider.
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THERE'S ONLY 1 TELLYCHICK WHO'S BETTER THAN CAT THE DOG AND THAT'S LINDA BARKER. BOTH HER AND CAROL SMILIE CAN CHANGE IN MY ROOM ANY TIME. LUCKY FINGERED JET I'M VERY ENVIOUS :p
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Alex
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| Quote: | | What next for the remaing four? |
How about the old "learn and perform a skill of another housemate" ploy?
JJ has to be fluent in northern slang
Baz has to karate chop a breeze block in two
Dave has to catch and cook a snapper
Hugh has to contact and communicate with aliens
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Alex
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Jet stomps out of the house, Davina looks a bit scared. Miss You is playing as he brushes Davina aside and climbs onto the winners platform to complain about the way he's been treated.
It's all a publicity stunt I reckon, the papers'll love it. Anyway as we suspected Cat Deeley is waiting at the gates,...purring.
I whole-heartedly agree with the Linda Barker statement Crass, and while we're on the subject of Cats I'd like to add Cat Slater to your list of filthiness! :D
Oh and Phillipa Forrester....and....
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Howsabout....
JJ has to be fluent in northern slang
Baz has to karate chop a breeze block in two
Dave has to catch and cook a snapper
Hugh has to conjure up a spirit being
Fair?
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Alex
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Let 'em do their worst!
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BIG BROOOTHA SPEAKS… AND CALLS JJ INTO THE DIARY ROOM.
“JJ - YOUR TASK IS TO LEARN TO SPEAK IN THE STYLE OF THE NORTHEAST MAN." JJ LEAVES THE ROOM AND SETS ABOUT HIS CHALLENGE RIGHT AWAY.
FOR THIS, JJ SUMMONS ALL OF HIS POLYGLOTTAL TALENTS. THIS IS NOT AN EASY TASK FOR HIM. “SPEAKING IN A EUROPEAN LINGO’S A FUCKING DODDLE,” HE SAYS, “THAT IS, COMPARED TO THE VERNACULAR AND DIALECT OF THE NORTHEAST OF ENGLAND!” YOU THINK YOU KNOW ALL ABOUT THIS BRAVE LAND, LAND OF DARK SATANIC MILLS, THIS LAND FORMERLY KNOWN AS ALBION, UNTIL YOU HEAR A GEORDIE SPEAK. “YOU CAN’T UNDERSTAND A WORD THEY SAY”
“AYE,” ADDS THE BLEAK BLAND VOICE OF BIG BROOOTHA - A MAN OF FEW WORDS.
JJ PUCKERS UP HIS GALLIC POUT, AND SPITS OUT A FEW ODD-SOUNDING VOWELS. HE MIGHT HAVE BEEN A FIT LOOKING GUY IN A BLACK TUTU DOING THE MACARENA - BUT THIS TIME IT'S PERSONAL.
“IT’S NO GOOD. I’M SHIT AT THIS” BUT HE’S NOT ONE FOR A-QUITTING. “I ONCE WATCHED GET CARTER, ONLY ALL THE THESPS IN IT WERE LUNNON TYPES, EXCEPT ALF ROBERTS” HE MOANS. “AND HE GOT PUSHED OUT OF A BUILDING IN THAT!” JJ WAS RIGHT, AND HE TOO REALISED THE IMPACT OF FAILING THIS TASK – FOR HE TOO MIGHT BE THE NEXT VICTIM TO BE SHOVED OFF THE DOORSTEP OF THE BB HOOOSE, JUST LIKE ALF ROBERTS IN GET CARTER.
HE TRIES AGAIN TO EVEN FAINTLY RESEMBLE ALL THOSE FAMOUS GEORDIES SUCH AS JIMMY NAIL, JIMMY NAIL AND…SPENDER.... AND OF COURSE, OZ - PLAYED BY MULTIFACETED AND MULTILINGUAL JIMMY NAIL.
“I CAN’T – I JUST CAN’T-” HE SOBS, "I JUST WANNA GET ON MY LOVELY MOTORBIKE AND GET OUTTA HERE….”
BUT THEN – SUDDENLY JJ REALISES THAT HE’S JUST ACCIDENTALLY STUMBLED UPON SUREFIRE WAY OF HITTING A GREAT GEORDIE ACCENT! “THAT’S IT – SACRE BLEU - THAT’S IT!”
JJ STANDS UP STRAIGHT, FACES THE REST OF THE BIG BROOOTHA HOOOSEMATES AND CALLS OUT HIS O-N-E – YES, O-N-E WORD THAT GETS HIM THROUGH TO THE NEXT ROUND… HE FILLS HIS CHEST WITH AIR AND WITH A MIGHTY ROAR CRIES OUT...
“K A W A S A K I !!!”
HE’S THROUGH.
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DannyL
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It's Baz next...
The token northerner strides confidently towards the breeze-block, watched carefully by a gloating JJ, nervous Dave and a still-in-neckbrace Hugh.
In preperation for the challenge, Baz undertook several hours of Tai Chi, and utters confident but incomprehensible Geordie remarks to camera. The block is in place, and Baz is ready to face the challenge.
Baz stares at the block for several seconds, before spitting "Did yee spill me fuggin' pint, yer cunt" towards a visibly shaken block. "Well, gan on, stick one there, yer fugger. Yee can fuggin start it". The block doesn't retaliate, so Baz leaps in with a title-winning head butt. Baz is clearly in his element, even though his slap-head is covered in blood.
"Noo, yer cunt, outside man!" yells Baz, to a motionless block which has clearly had enough. Feeling the confidence this good start has given him, Baz throws a freestyle combination of punches, each one causing the loud crack of the breaking bones in Baz' hand to ring out.
"I DON'T FUGGIN' GIVE A SHITE IF A' CANT PLAY GUITAR AGENN. I TEK NAE SHITE OFF ANY FUGGIN BREEZE-BLOCK. THINK YER 'ARD JUSS COS YER SQUARE DEE YER?" Baz triumphantly screams, as he steps back to "kick the cunt when ee's doon". However, pride comes before a fall, and as Baz lurches forward to adminster the fatal kick, he collapses in yet another heapinblack, groaning pathetically in pain as the blood trickles from his big baldy heed. Baz has failed miserably.
Will the remaining two fare any better?
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crazygrace
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well i voted sunita, but she wants to quit. so that dusnt really coundt, i want jade 2 go! :fight:
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115-1022691834
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man im not even gonna bother watching big brother this time around
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crazygrace
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lol :booze:
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Alex
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"Wight then, who's for a fish supper" says Dave
"ooh me me me!" chirps Hugh "If I could have just one more wish, it would be for a fillet of fish"
JJ cocks an eyebrow at the bleeding Baz ???
Dave has been provided with a bamboo stick a piece of string and a safety pin to use as a rod. He settles down by the BB swimming pool and dangles his length in to the chlorine.
"It dosen't come in just one size, the taste you just don't realise" hums Hugh
"Yeah whatever" says JJ ???
Hour after hour go by without so much as a nibble, Dave passes the time by calculating quantum physics problems in his head.
"I prefer it to wellhung game" Hugh sings
"Sssshh" JJ retorts ???
It isn't going well until Dave realises (being a puzzle fanatic) that his challenge is open to a bit of Greenfield style interpretation. He rummages through his tardis-like bag and produces a teleportation device.
"That'll do the twick" he says,then sets the co-ordinates and beams a huge snapper fish onto his makeshift hook. He deftly tosses the beast into a "molecular fucker-upper" he rigged up earlier and cooks it in a jiffy.
The housemates gather around the dining table cutlery at the ready and Dave serves the mighty fish.
Hugh stands as if to say grace "So my friends just eat your fill, cos eating can turn into a thrill"
"SHUT THE FUCK UP HUGH!!!" they all cry ???
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SO HUGH GOES OVER TO THE MICROPHONE AND SAYS: "LOOK YOU CUNTS - I'VE GOT A FUCKIN MICROPHONE AND I CAN SPEAK ABOUT 2,000 TIMES LOUDER THAN ANY OF YOU MOTHRAFUCKAS!"
:baa: EVERYONE SHUTS T F UP, AND HUGHIE RECITES HIS NEW VERSE... "SHE WAS ONLY THE FISHMONGER'S DAUGHTER, BUT SHE LAID ON THE SLAB AND SAID FILLET!" :thumbs:
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Alex
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| Quote: | SO HUGH GOES OVER TO THE MICROPHONE AND SAYS: "LOOK YOU CUNTS - I'VE GOT A FUCKIN MICROPHONE AND I CAN SPEAK ABOUT 2,000 TIMES LOUDER THAN ANY OF YOU MOTHRAFUCKAS!"
:baa: EVERYONE SHUTS T F UP, AND HUGHIE RECITES HIS NEW VERSE... "SHE WAS ONLY THE FISHMONGER'S DAUGHTER, BUT SHE LAID ON THE SLAB AND SAID FILLET!" :thumbs: |
:D :D :D :thumbs:
Hugh's up next!
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crazygrace
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:booze: O.o
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HUGH HAS TO CONJURE UP A SPIRIT BEING…
BUT FIRST, THE INMATES HAVE DISCOVERED THAT THE FRIDGE DOOR HAS BEEN LEFT OPEN. MOST OF THE FISH THAT DAVE CAUGHT THE DAY BEFORE HAS TO BE CHUCKED. THE MiBS DECIDE TO TAKE ALL THE FISH INTO THE DIARY ROOM TO HELP THEM DECIDE WHAT’S OFF AND WHAT’S NOT. BIG BROTHER SAYS IT’S THE PLAICE TO GO, AND THE REST OF THE SNAPPERS ARE THEN GRILLED FOR LUNCH.
AFTER A LUNCH, IT’S WAS ALL QUIET ON THE ELSTREE FRONT. A DOWNCAST AND DEPRESSED HUGH STRIDES OVER TO THE BIG BROOOTHA PATIO DOORS AND PEERS OUT INTO THE RAINY AFTERNOON, WONDERING IF WE’LL EVER SEE ANOTHER DRY DAY. HE KNOWS WHAT HE’S GOT TO DO, BUT HE DOESN’T WANT TO HOLD A SÉANCE, ESPECIALLY ON A WET AFTERNOON SUCH AS THIS. ALTHOUGH HE KNEW THE STAKES WERE HIGH, HE’S NOT CONTENT TO BE HANGING AROUND HIS HOOSEMATES, WASTED IN THE SMALL WORLD OF THE BIG BROOOOTHA HOOOSE. HE’S EVEN STOPPED SAYING ‘HALLO’ TO OUR MEN, ESPECIALLY AFTER BEING KEPT AWAKE ALL DAY AND ALL OF THE NIGHT BY BAZ’s FARTING: HUGH INSTEAD PREFERRED THE SWEET SMELL OF SUCCESS “I HATE SHITS THAT PASS WIND IN THE NIGHT ESPECIALLY.”
“A HOUSE OF SORROW IS NOT A HAPPY HOUSE FOR SURE” HE DARKLY STATES. TIRED AND TETCHY, HE RETIRES TO THE SOLITUDE OF THE SETTEE. “JUST LEAVE ME ALONE! SOMETIMES I THINK I WAS OUT OF MY MIND TO DO THIS.”
SHAKIN’ LIKE A LEAF, HE TOLD HIMSELF:“I MUST GET A GRIP ON MYSELF, I MUST CONJURE UP A SPIRIT BEING, GOD FORBID!!!”
“JUST A SECOND- IT’S COMING!” HE CRIED.
SUDDENLY, FROM IN THE SHADOWS, THE OLD HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME APPEARS THROUGH A MASS OF CLANGING CHURCH BELLS. “HEY! ....THAT’S A DEAD RINGER! AND EVERYBODY LOVES YOU WHEN YOU’RE DEAD! HE'S UGLY, I MEAN HIDEOUS! AND LOOK AT THE SIZE OF HIS BIG FAT RUNNY NOSE - IT'S A CONKEROONIE STRINGER!!! BRING - ON - THE – NEW – BELLS !!!! WE’RE TAKING A RIDE ON THE GHOST TRAIN!!!”
JJ COMES OVER TO HUG OLD HUGHIE “ HOW DID YOU DO THAT, MON PETIT? IT WAS JUST LIKE NOTHING ON EARTH!”.
“AIN’T NOTHIN’ TO IT, JOHN. HELLO TO WINNING – GOODBYE TO LOSING!”
:thumbs:
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Alex
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Man that's funny :D
A quick Big Broootha update then.
Jabbering JJ came through
The Sunderland Slap head didn't do too well
Da Angling Dave done good
There was no Taming of the Hugh
???
sorry
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BAZZA THE WAZZA IS GIVEN THE OOOOL' HEEEEAVE-HOOO!
FISHY ON THE DISHY WAS TOO MUCH FOR THE BALDY GEORDIE
WAAA-AYE PET...AUF WIEDERSEHEN!!! :D
11.28 PM:
BIG BROOTHA ANNOUNCES THE EVICTION OF BARRY WARNE! :D :fight: :sleep: :p :baa:
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DannyL
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Right, next challenge for the remaining three...
What's it to be? Write a new album? Or a game of soggy biscuit?
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THE THREE AMIGOS!!!
THE THREE REMAINING HOOOSEMATESINBLACK SIT AROUND THE LOUNGE, RELIEVED THAT THE NEW SESSION BOY HAS BEEN FOOOKED OFF FOR GOOD. DAVE IS RELAXED AND HAS REGAINED THAT BUBBLY PUB LANDLORD WAY ABOUT HIM, HUGH BELIEVES HE IS BUOYANTLY BACK IN CONTROL OF THE OTHERS AND JJ IS STEALING FLEETING GLANCES OF ADMRATION FOR HIS OLD BROTHER IN ARMS. A BRIEF CONVERSATION IS HEARD - SOMETHING ABOUT A PAUL SOMEONE SINGING A KARAOKE TRACK - AND SOMETHING ABOUT BAZ - ALL THREE LAUGH OUT LOUD AS THEY DISCUSS THE LATEST TECHNOLOGY IN THE LATEST DRUM MACHINES!
THE FUTURE'S LOOKING BRIGHT FOR THE THREE AMIGOSINBLACK. VIVA THE ELSTREE THREE!!!
:thumbs: :)
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BIG BROOOOTHA ANNOUNCES THAT IT'S UP TO THE PUBLIC TO DECIDE THE NEXT TASK TO ELIMINATE THE NEXT MiBINTHE HOOOOUSE. WHAT'S IN STORE FOR HUGH, JJ AND DAVE?
THE LINES ARE NOOO OOOPEN TO GIVE YOUR SUGGESTIONS - AND THE BEST TASK WILL BE PICKED THIS WEEKEND.
STAY TUNED! IT'S OOOP TO YOU :baa:
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crazygrace
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they have 2 become chicken molesteras!
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StanInBlack
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Can I just make a point of saying that geordies do not come from Sunderland, they come from Newcastle? I'm sorry for being picky about this but coming from the Sunderland area myself originally, it does become annoying to be called a "geordie", even though people from Sunderland/County Durham have an accent that sounds completely different to that of people who live in Newcastle. In the North East, if you're from Newcastle you're a "geordie", if you're from Sunderland you're a "mackem". There is this thing in places south of the North East where every person who lives in the North East is termed a "geordie", a term which is only applicable for those who live in Newcastle and often insultive to those (yes, there are some who take offence) who live in the North East who don't happen to be a Newcastle resident :)
"North Eastern" would probably have been a broader term than "geordie", I know it's just a small thing but I know a lot of people there (I'm not really too bothered) are bothered about it... heh!
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crazygrace
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well im in leeds, wat am i called??????? *sulks*
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Stan the maninblack - don't get up tight! - it's only a larf!!! You're right - but that's why I did use the term Northeast when JJ had to speak like Baz. But thanks for the edufication, very interesting. It's like when some refer to Londoners as Cockneys, when we all (should) know that Cockneys are... NO! Not just from east London - but more specifically the part of east London that's within the sound of Bow Bells, which means within a couple of miles from St Mary le Bow, Cheapside. Obviously in the days before the endless drone of couriers on bikes, diesel taxi engines, the constant clatter of pneumatic drills and the boom boom boom of Essex boys with sub bass car audio.
North Londoners would hate being called Cockney, as they have their own identity, to a slightly lesser degree, as does the south. Cockneys had a very strong identity which I think comes from the fact that they had a sub-language all of their own - Cockney rhyming slang.
South Londoners dislike the north Londoners and the north Londoners hate the south Londoners. Years ago you could differentiate between the dialect of south Londoners and East Enders, as you could also still detect the old Essex dialect, which seems to have died out in a sea of bland non-identity. Over the years and in part due to the proliferation of aussie soaps and that foul habit of going 'up' at the end of sentences, it's all 'Estuary' speak. I think the whole country's being taken over with Estuary English. Very sad.
As a Cockney myself, although I've never spoken like one should apparently, I've never had the urge to say 'fink' or 'fought', but I'm proud to say I am one. Also, I could never live south of the river. Just couldn't. North yes, south no way. The London tribes are still just about there somewhere underneath the aussie soaps and Estuary English.
Cor - love a duck! Anyway - is that the time, the jellied eel stall's open!
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Alex
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Well, I'm from Devon and as you would expect I talk like a farmer,wear smocks, chew straw and naturally I drive a tractor.
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| Alex wrote: | | Well, I'm from Devon and as you would expect I talk like a farmer,wear smocks, chew straw and naturally I drive a tractor. |
and drink cider from elevenlevenlevenlevenlevenlevenleven...
but I don't wanna talk about it anymore. :thumbs:
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StanInBlack
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"Stan the Maninblack"! hahahahaha! I'm going to have to remember that one for future reference :)
I don't know why this is, but I find the concept of dialect sometimes a bit too fascinating. After all, it's not like all of us live days apart in this country, yet every place has differenciating dialects and accents... it's fucking strange...
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crazygrace
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| Alex wrote: | | Well, I'm from Devon and as you would expect I talk like a farmer,wear smocks, chew straw and naturally I drive a tractor. |
and ride a cow singing ua ar its ambrosia........
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Alex
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| iMcrassKGB wrote: | BIG BROOOOTHA ANNOUNCES THAT IT'S UP TO THE PUBLIC TO DECIDE THE NEXT TASK TO ELIMINATE THE NEXT MiBINTHE HOOOOUSE. WHAT'S IN STORE FOR HUGH, JJ AND DAVE?
THE LINES ARE NOOO OOOPEN TO GIVE YOUR SUGGESTIONS - AND THE BEST TASK WILL BE PICKED THIS WEEKEND.
STAY TUNED! IT'S OOOP TO YOU :baa: |
The Big Brootha Olympics? Assault course, egg & spoon and sack races etc
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DannyL
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Like that thing off the Krypton Factor, that school sports day/assault course thing.
Or even better, that thing they used to do at the end of Gladiators (remember that?), with that escalator thing at the end.
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How bout a quiz - sport/politics/general knowledge?
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How bout a joke telling contest - marks out of 10 to vote for the best jokes from Hugh Dave + JJ?
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DannyL
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Well...
How about making it a mixture of the three, over three rounds? Then see which two survive to reach the public vote...
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crazygrace
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i still stick by my chicken molestera idea! :booze:
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Alex
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| Quote: | Well...
How about making it a mixture of the three, over three rounds? Then see which two survive to reach the public vote... |
Only the funniest, fittest and brainiest two housematesinblack will reach the final. :0
Yes?
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Alex
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After that you can molest the chickens.
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Big Broootha leaves the envelopes enclosing details of the next task in the diary room. There are 3 envelopes containing the 3 parts to the task. Dave fetches them and hands them out. Dave rips his open:
"Nice one - we're to be set a general knowledge quiz over the next few days - twiffic!" Dave was well chuffed. He loves his puzzles, and he always comes out on top in his boozer's Monday night quiz nights. But then again, he usually sets the questions too.
JJ deftly rips his envelope apart and reads out:
"We're to be tested for our physical fitness and ability to endure the unendurable. Sounds great," says JJ,"- almost like releasing Coup de Grace again."
Hugh leans forward and reads out loud:
" We're to do a comedy stand-up routine of 15 minutes in front of the nation, the funnier the better," says Hugh,"that shouldn't be a problem what with my intersong banter routines in the 70s. Great!"
Big Broootha has gone away to set the questions while Hugh and Dave quietly work out their individual comedy routines and JJ cocks a leg in flexion, preparing for his body for the fitness test.
Recap:
Trivial Pursuit: a general knowledge quiz
Hot Pursuit: a physical fitness test of endurance and suffering
Pursuits you, sir: crazy wacky joke telling contest (ha ha ha!)
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crazygrace
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you shud get a job on big brother.....
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Get me an interview - I could do with a change ???
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crazygrace
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lol
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StanInBlack
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I agree, one of the best things about this board is Crass' unique and imaginative writings... heh! You'd make a great commentator for Big Brother, either that or one of those announcer blokes on Blind Date! hehehehehe :)
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raveninblack
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Cum on chps and get on with the tasks......we need to get it down to two as I have the next task in hand.....the two remaining bandmembersinblack must......
wait for it........
perform a Stars in their eyes rendition of Something Better Change.....
But tonight Mathew, we are gonna be.....
Jonn and Howard of FOUR MORE HEROES!
Shit, dun it again!!
Sorry!!
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Big Broootha's working on it as we type!
News just in - apparently JJ has just entered the diary room to confess that he hasn't shifted his bowels yet since he's been in the house and has requested that the inmates can order a ruby murray from the dodgy local Indian to help ease his apparent discomfort.....
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crazygrace
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lol
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raveninblack
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Big Bro has decided that this will be acceptable, so long as it is a chicken molester vindaloo with extra sauce. There is only one problem, the nearest take away is infact Gordans Take away, in Macclesfield. So expect the usual tasty gourmet bits like "black bits from around" his"knackers"!
Hopefully this will clear his bowels as we don't want JJ to become full of shit!
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7.15pm and Hugh has just walked into the Diary Room....
"Helloo, Hugh."
"Er- hi."
"Is there something wrong, Hugh - you look a bit angry"
"Well yes - I suppose I am. I know for a fact that someone has been using the shower as a lavatory, and I'm fuckin' livid! How dare they? Cunts! How do they expect me to come back into their lives after this - no it's the final straw...
"Hugh - are you 100% sure it's piss?
"My olfactory stimuli to freshly pissed piss is second to none. I know the sweet smell of piss when I smell it. And that's piss!"
"Hugh - who do you think has dunnit?"
"Who? Well it's fuckin' obvious isn't it? Ask the frog."
"You mean JJ?"
"No I MEAN J-O-H-N!!!! Don't call him JJ, his name's fuckin' John for chrissakes! And yes it is him. They're not used to using normal bogs like us, these French types, a hole in the ground will suffice for most of them. Dirty bastards. If I get HIV or a foot thingy or even a verukka - I'll kill 'im!"
"Hugh - Big Brootha reminds you that it is illegal to kill a fellow inmate. Goodnight, Hugh."
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raveninblack
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Does this signal the end for Hugh? Threatening another inmate is a serious offence and is punishable by eviction!!!!
JJ gets his curry, and shortly after returns to the scene of his earlier crime....the shower!
By now, Gordans Revenge, the chicken molester vindaloo is taking effect....suddenly JJ has a religious experience! He shits himself!
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raveninblack
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Things are lookin pretty bleak in the BB house....
Hugh could be evicted for gross misconduct.
And JJ could be hospitalised with Dysentry( the shits)
This would mean that we have a winner in Dave. But who would complete the Stars in their eyes task?
No please dont evict Hugh! Im sure he didn't mean it!
Please....
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Hugh goes to bed early, to do some serious thinking, leaving JJ to do some flexy type things with his quads in the kitchen area. Dave is strangely quiet, sitting on his own on the sofa reading Puzzler. JJ is bored. He walks over and watches what Dave is up to. Nothing. JJ stands right over Dave. Dave glances up from page 33, the one with the wordsearch and looks quizzically into JJ's eyes. JJ looks down at Dave. Dave looks up at JJ. Their eyes are entwined. JJ pouts his gallic pout. He speaks:
"Dave..."
What can this mean? Again he speaks. "Dave...."
"Yes?"
"Dave... I..."
"Yes?"
"....Dave - I don't half fancy..."
"Yes??? What???"
"Dave, I don't half fancy a pint. When is the Windmill open again?"
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crazygrace
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lmao (i wud do sum commentery, but u covered it all :-/)
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DannyL
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Big Brother announces that the housemates have thirty minutes to prepare for the first challenge..."Hot pursuit". Whilst the course is set up (similar to that thing at the end of Gladiators, but without Ulrika and a bouquet), the three amigo's emerge from their rooms motivated and ready for action.
Hugh limbers up, bedecked in customary all black.
"Well, it looks the part, don't it? Black hair, black eyes, black suit, black neckbrace" he says to camera as he puffs on a prepatory cigarette. "Not that I'm keen on this, mind you. If Channel Four wanna sell the show to America, we don't want to alienate the American audience with assault courses and such like".
Big Brother reassures Hugh that the course was devised from a trash US TV show, which has given Hugh all the motivation he needs.
"This is my chance to be big in Americor!" he says. "Where's the fucking brass section when you need 'em?"
JJ strides forth from his room in his almost spotless karate outfit. Taking deep breaths, JJ stares psychopathically at Hugh, in an attempt to psyche his opponent out. Hugh is unpeturbed.
"Guess what John? I'm gonna be huge in Americor! This is our big chance, it's like making '10' all over again! Where's that fat fucker Roy Thomas Baker when you need him?"
JJ thinks of all those young American families sitting at home eating dunkin' donuts, watching Hugh make an arse of himself. JJ is now motivated to the max.
The room falls silent as Dave enters. The man Greenfield obviously means business.
"What the fuck are you wearing, Dave?!?!" asks a stunned JJ.
"Like it? It's part viking, part cavalier, part roundhead, part Russian revolutionary, part Zorro, part Mel Gibson in Braveheart. I made it myself."
Hugh and JJ are agape at Dave's self-embroidered battle suit. Using a variety of kitchen cloth, toilet roll, bandages, a coat hanger, some pipe cleaners and a pillow case, Dave had created a masterpiece.
"I like this bit the best", said Dave, pointing to his Lone Ranger style face-mask. "I made it out of my inner sole, and a bit of string from the chicken shed."
As Dave menacingly twirls the towel rail for a makeshift sword and wields the lid from the kitchen bin as a shield, the others are too afraid to comment.
"That's Americor down the shitter again" Hugh mutters to camera.
Big Brother breaks the silence: "Would the hoosemates make their way to the physical challenge, please". The three amigo's valiantly make their way to the course.
Who'll come out on top in round one?
Stay tuned...
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Alex
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As the valiant trio disappear around the corner to start the first challenge, in the BB-MiB-Triathlon, the Big Broootha house erupts in a flurry of activity.
The sofa and coffee table are removed to be replaced by a gold podium bedecked with flashing lights and spangly stars, to it's left is, what looks to be a large scoreboard.
The dining table and the chairs (that the hoosemates "jazzed up" by painting them all black) make way for three individual podiums each with with what appears to be buzzers or something.
What could this mean?
Back to our fearless three amigos. :D
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crazygrace
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:0 :booze: hm mabey i shud read that again.......
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Hugh, JJ and Dave walk outside in a line and stand in the morning sunshine and limber up. The camera pans from one to the other. Hugh was obviously in a jokey mood, and knowing that the US audiences would love a bit of the old Brit humor on BB, and to win some fans from across the pond, he starts adjusting the zipper on his pants for comic effect.
“It’s nice out today, so I left it out!” He says in his best Eric Morecombe, launching into a medley of Brit banter. “Knickers, knackers, knockers!!! Oooo missus! No don’t! Yers - you, dear! Don’t! They don’t like it up ‘em. No.”
JJ scowls at Hugh in sheer embarassment while Dave finely tweeks his Dr Scholl inner sole face mask in preparation for the physical task they’re about to be set. You can almost smell the tension in the air, which may be partly due to JJ’s fragile bowels.
“Hellooo, inmatesinblack. This is Big Broootha. For this test of physical strength and endurance, you will each have to stand barefoot in a pool of slimy creepy creatures and insects. The one who can stand standing the longest is the winner of this challenge of strength and endurance. Good luck.”
Socks off – Round One. The inmates walk over to the emptied-out spa and gaze down at the disgusting mass of crawling legs, suckers and antennae that have replaced the warm, bubbling water.
“Gweat – there’s some bwown wats,” says Dave as he lifts a leg of armour over the spa wall and gets in, “this is wodent-tastic. Huwway….”
The others follow. Hugh rolls up the legs of his black slacks and steps in, adding, “Nice to see your frogs legs again, John!”
After worming his way around the floor, JJ gets in and settles into the slimy pool.
“You can see the leeches there…” he remarks.
Hugh, still cracking the funnys, turns to the others, “That’s cos it’s oh so shallow there! Boom-boom.”
“…Although,” adds Dave, “ I’m not too impwessed with those cockwoaches. Hugh seizes another opportunity to capture the hearts of the Amerrrican people. He looks into a camera and sings out loud:
“I met a roach in Amerrricah, his familee had a massive treeee, the lived jusabout everywherrrre – Hugh was big in Amerrricorr…”
The Big Broootha inmates settle in and knuckle down to this creepy crawly task.
Will Hugh be Big in Amerricorr?
Will Dave make love to a water rat or two?
Will JJ find some ‘little legs’ so that he…can……..squeeze………..them?
Tune in to the next Big Brootha ooopdate…..
Cue slamming Oakenfold/Pete Tong/Jimmy Young essential monsterravetrack>>>>>>wicked!
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Cue slamming Oakenfold/Pete Tong/Jimmy Young essential monstermunch monsterravetrack
Update: The Big Broootha inmatesinblack are still in the pool after 72 hours and there’s a stench in the air…
Dave: “Euurgh! You fuckin stink, was it you, Hugh?”
JJ: “Wwwwaaasss iiitttt yyyooooouuuuuuu……”
Hugh: “Settle down settle down – I want to tell you a story…”
JJ: “Le ferking basteeurd de merde du smellie arse …”
Hugh: “Pardon I. Excuse my rear. I’m touching cloth. So don’t come near. More tea, vicar? Better out than in! My mother in law – fat git! Face like bulldog chewing wasp…Did you know…”
Dave: “Wight you twats – I’m getting out, I’ve had enough of this!”
Dave gets out and runs inside to put his socks on leaving Hugh and JJ to ponder their collective fates in the pool of creepy crawlies.
Will Hugh be Big in Amerricorr?
Will Dave cwy like a baby without his rat friends?
Will JJ find some ‘little legs’ so that he…can……..squeeze………..them?
Tune in to the next Big Brootha ooopdate…..
Cue slamming Oakenfold/Pete Tong/Jimmy Young essential monsterravetrack
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raveninblack
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Dave hunts around for his socksinblack but can't find them anywhere. He begins to suspect foul play. But who can have done it? The camera pans to the bathroom and reveals the sinister shape of an intruder! Suddenly Dave bursts in," Pawl, ewe miserwable bassterd ewe!. Somehow the cheeky chappy mr Roberts has gained entry to the house and is fucking about(whats new?). Security are called and........
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crazygrace
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:booze: ohhhh *makes stoopid comments*
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Paul's arms and legs are snapped off by the fat security blokes. Dave gains his pair of sweaty Anglo Saxon socks that Pam bought him the Christmas before last and Dave settles down with his pet black Carlton leather and vinyl effect hold-all with the extra side zippy bits, and pulls out his dogeared edition of the Puzzler, turning to page 33 where he left off....
Hugh and JJ have been talking for most of the night, the pair are tired, but content to be on speaking terms. In a token of friendship, the pair decide to hop out of the pool together, as one. Thus, ending this Big Broootha challenge. They reunite with Dave. "Oh God!" Groans Mr. Greenfield.
After almost 100 hours of standing in a pool of now half dead slimy creepy crawlies, they inmatesinblack are in need of a freshen up and so they each in turn sneak off into the showers. Upon their return, they decide not to shave. Instead, JJ shaves tramlines through his little clefty goatee, Dave shaves tramlines through his goatee, and Hugh shaves tramlines down his hursuit neck region. The Big Brootha psychologist states that "this is clearly a time for the men to bond, and bond they have."
Could we be witnessing the birth of a renewed camaraderie among the inmatesinblack.
Tune in to the next Big Brootha ooopdate to find out...
Cue theme to Dad's Army..."who do you think you are scaring Mr Hitler, if you think we're on the run, we are the boys....."
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Alex
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It's time for Big BroothainBlack's Little BroothainBlack. :D
Dermot O'thing bounds on to screen (reminding me very much of that Dave Mason bloke, who did the "Rock & Roll According to......" documentary CD, and was our jovial host at Pontins along with Marian Sheepherder).
Welcome to BBiB's LBiB, with us in the studio we have some very special guests. It's been a very exciting week in the Big Brootha hoose, our gallant heroes have endured Big Bug, Mothra and Irate Caterpillars down in the sewer, also apparently, word has it that there's lots of rats down there!
Our first guest is none other than the big man himself, the daddy, the grand-daddy, the lynchpin, the right honorable.....
"Shut-up" interupts Jet.
"Sorry"
"Ok, don't do it again"
"So Jet how was your time in the hoose?" asks Derm
"I rather enjoyed myself, it was quite relaxing...well, apart from the challenges and not enough decent food"
"Who have you got your money on?" enquires Dermo
"I wouldn't like to say at the moment it's still very open, although Dave failed the bug pool endurance test, we'll have to see what happens with the rest of the challenge"
Sitting next to Jet is Dale Winton "who's your man, Dale?"
"Oooh well" Dale minces "I wouldn't have minded helping JJ out in the shower earlier, ooer missus, and other camp cliches!"
Jet puts Dale in a headlock and squeezes
"Tell us about your involvement in BBiB Dale"
"Well" chokes Dale "I can't speak I'm being given head, ooh I say etc".
Jet slaps him a few times
"I'm hosting the quiz, it'll be called Never mind The Stranglers" Dale then passes out and drops to the floor, someone calls an ambulance, Jet giggles. :D
The camera cuts to the hoosematesinblack chatting and smoking roll-ups. Cue banging monsterrave track........inblack.
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Alex
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Dave is in the corner fumbling in his bag, the cameras zoom in on him.
Out of his bag he pulls........Paul Roberts' arm!!
Which he'd secreted in his bag earlier after the fat security bloke limb snapping incident.
"That'll teach him" Dave sniggers
He wields it as if it were a sword and runs around the garden like a bizzare Anglo-Saxon warrior. He pauses......something is stirring.......the birth of..........an idea.........
Electrodes are attached to the bloody stump and he sticks brainwave sensors to his head. The body-less limb is then stuffed into his jacket.
"BWILLIANT!" rejoices Dave
"Thwee arms, I now have the ability to play thwee keyboards at once, gweat!" :booze:
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<cue for thebigbrooooootha monstermonster heavyheavymonstersound the nuttiestsoundaround ravinloonyparty monster rave essential finalvinyl plasticfantastic slammintoptune by hothappening DJs Blackburn-Stewpot-Edmonds & Hamilton.....>
Something is stirring among the inmates......... ???
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OOOOoooopdyate...
Big Broootha announces that the residents will be set their Trivial Pursuits questions as the second part of their challenge.
Stay TOOOOOONED!
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